How do you find your values—and why do they matter?

What really matters to you?

It sounds like a simple question.

But try answering without thinking about:

• what you should think.
• what your family thinks.
• what your colleagues think.
• what looks good from the outside.
• what other people seem to prioritise.

Suddenly, the question becomes harder.

Personal values are things you consider important that can provide a direction for how you want to live, act and make decisions.

When you are clear about your values, it can become easier to understand:

Why does this feel right for me?

or:

Why does this situation feel uncomfortable even though everything looks good on paper?

What are personal values?

Values are principles or qualities that you want to play an important role in how you live your life.

Examples might include:

• freedom
• security
• growth
• family
• curiosity
• community
• independence
• creativity
• honesty
• responsibility
• health
• courage
• caring
• achievement
• balance

There is no universally correct list.

Two people can also value the same thing but express it in completely different ways.

Values are not the same as goals

This is an important distinction.

A goal might be:

I want to run a marathon.

An underlying value might be:

growth

or:

health.

A goal might be:

I want to start a business.

Behind that, there might be:

freedom independence

or:

creating.

The goal can be achieved and ticked off.

The value serves more as a direction.

You are never "done" with freedom, growth or caring.

But you can try to live more in line with them.

Why is it important to know your values?

Values can act as a compass.

Especially when you face decisions where there is no obvious right answer.

For example:

You are offered a job with higher pay but considerably less freedom.

Is it right for you?

It depends.

If financial security is very important to you, the offer might be attractive.

If freedom and time with your family carry more weight, you might assess it differently.

The same offer.

Different people.

Different values.

Different decisions.

How do you know what your values are?

You can start by looking at situations where you have felt:

• very satisfied
• proud
• engaged
• frustrated
• angry
• inspired
• envious

Strong reactions can sometimes offer clues.

If you become frustrated when others control your time, independence might be important.

If helping others makes you feel very good, caring or contribution might be important.

If you become restless when you are not growing, learning or growth might be central.

The question is:

What does my reaction tell me about what matters to me?

7 steps to finding your most important values

1. Think about when you have felt your best

Choose three situations in your life where you have felt:

This feels really good.

Ask:

What was I doing?

Who was around me?

What did I appreciate about the situation?

Perhaps recurring themes include:

freedom.

community.

growth.

achievement.

creativity.

These are clues.

2. Look at what frustrates you

This might sound strange.

But frustration can be very informative.

If you become frustrated by:

injustice

fairness might be important.

If you are bothered by:

never getting to decide for yourself

independence might be important.

If you feel bad when:

you never have time for your family

closeness or family might be important.

What feels uncomfortable can sometimes reveal what is missing.

3. Think about the people you admire

Choose three people you genuinely respect.

They do not need to be famous.

They could be:

a parent.

a colleague.

a friend.

a coach.

Ask:

What exactly do I admire about this person?

Not:

"She is amazing."

But:

"She has the courage to say what she thinks."

In that case, the value might be courage or integrity.

4. Make a long list

Write down 15–20 things that feel important.

For example:

• freedom
• security
• family
• growth
• health
• achievement
• creativity
• friendship
• curiosity
• adventure
• stability
• responsibility
• caring
• independence
• knowledge

Do not try to choose straight away.

Start broad.

5. Make yourself prioritise

Now comes the difficult part.

Choose ten.

Then five.

Eventually, perhaps three to five core values.

Why so few?

Because if everything is equally important, the list will not help you much when two values compete.

Prioritising forces you to get clear.

6. Define what the words mean to you

Two people might both choose:

freedom.

For one, it means financial freedom.

For the other, it means control over their schedule.

So write:

To me, freedom means...

To me, growth means...

To me, family means...

Now the words become useful.

7. Look at your calendar

Here comes the reality check.

If you say:

Family is one of my most important values

but your calendar almost never includes time with your family, there is a gap.

If you say:

Health is important

but never make time for it, the same may apply.

Ask:

Are my values reflected in how I actually spend my time?

Not perfectly.

But at least sometimes.

Examples of personal values

Here are some examples for inspiration:

• responsibility
• balance
• contribution
• discipline
• family
• freedom
• community
• joy
• health
• integrity
• creativity
• knowledge
• quality
• learning
• loyalty
• courage
• curiosity
• caring
• achievement
• respect
• independence
• stability
• security
• growth
• adventure
• honesty

Do not use the list as a personality test.

Instead, ask which words actually mean something to you.

What happens when two values clash?

This is common.

You might value:

security

and:

growth.

You have an opportunity to change jobs.

The new job offers growth but less security.

Now there is no decision that maximises both.

Or:

You value both:

career

and:

family.

A new role means greater career opportunities but more travel.

So values do not eliminate difficult decisions.

But they can help you understand why a decision is difficult.

Values change throughout life

What mattered most when you were 20 does not have to matter most when you are 40.

Different stages of life can change your priorities.

When you are younger, you might prioritise:

• adventure
• achievement
• growth

Later, perhaps:

• family
• stability
• freedom

become more important.

That does not mean your old values were false.

You have changed.

That is why it is wise to ask yourself the question again from time to time:

What matters most to me now?

Are you living by your own values or other people's?

Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.

You might think you should:

• build a career
• earn a lot of money
• buy a house
• exercise a lot
• start a family
• start a business
• travel
• be productive

But ask:

Do I want this—or have I learned that this is what a good life should include?

It does not have to be either/or.

You can genuinely want the same things as the people around you.

The point is to explore it.

Read more about this in the article Why do I care so much about what other people think?.

A practical values exercise

Get some paper.

First, write down 15 values.

Then choose ten.

Then five.

Rank them.

For each of your five most important values:

Write:

What does this value mean to me?

How am I living by it today?

What am I doing that goes against it?

What could I do more of?

What small step can I take this week?

Now the value has gone from a word to action.

How do you use values when making decisions?

When you face a difficult decision, you can ask:

Which option best aligns with my most important values?

You can also rate each option.

For example:

Option A:

Freedom: 8/10
Growth: 7/10
Security: 4/10

Option B:

Freedom: 4/10
Growth: 5/10
Security: 9/10

This does not make the decision for you.

But it makes clear what you are actually choosing between.

Want to become more conscious in your decision-making? Read How do you get better at making decisions?.

Values and goals

When you set a goal:

ask:

Which value does this goal support?

If you cannot find an answer, you can reflect on why the goal exists.

It might still be a good goal.

But perhaps you are pursuing it mainly because:

other people are doing it.

it looks good.

you want to prove something.

you have never questioned it.

Goals that are clearly connected to what you actually value can feel more meaningful.

Read more about setting meaningful goals in the article How do you set goals that actually work?.

Values and self-leadership

Self-leadership involves, among other things, being able to guide your own:

• decisions
• priorities
• behaviours
• goals
• reactions

That becomes difficult if you do not know what you are trying to guide yourself towards.

Values can therefore serve as a foundation.

Not as a rulebook.

As a compass.

Read more about self-leadership in the article What is self-leadership?.

When can individual coaching help?

It can be difficult to identify your own values when:

• many people have expectations of you
• you are facing a major decision
• you have lost your sense of direction
• several areas of your life are competing
• you are doing a lot but still feel that something is missing
• you know what you "should" want but not what you actually want

Individual coaching can help you:

• explore what matters to you
• clarify your values
• identify conflicts between different priorities
• connect values to goals
• make more conscious decisions
• translate insights into concrete actions

The coach does not decide which values you should have.

That is the whole point.

They need to be yours.

Read more about individual coaching at /individuell-coaching.

When do you need other support?

Coaching can be a tool for self-reflection, goals and growth.

However, if you have significant or persistent mental health difficulties that affect your everyday life, professional healthcare may be more appropriate.

Link naturally to:

What is the difference between coaching and seeing a psychologist?

Summary

Your values can help you understand:

what matters.

why some situations feel right.

why others feel uncomfortable.

and which direction you want to move in.

To find them:

look at when you feel your best.

explore what frustrates you.

think about the qualities you admire in others.

make a list.

prioritise.

define what the words mean to you.

Then look at whether they are actually reflected in your life.

Values do not have to give you all the answers.

But they can help you ask better questions.

Want to take your reflection further? Also read I don't know what I want in life—how do I find direction?, How do you get better at prioritising your time? and How do you find the courage to make a change in your life?.