How do you stop being a perfectionist?

Wanting to do a good job is not a problem. High ambitions can help us grow, learn new things and achieve results we are proud of.

But when good never feels good enough, ambition can start working against us. You might spend an unreasonable amount of time on small details, put things off because you do not know whether you can do them perfectly, or feel like a failure even though others think you have done something well.

Perfectionism is therefore not just about wanting to perform well. It is often about the feeling that mistakes, shortcomings or a less-than-ideal result say something bigger about you as a person.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism often means setting very high standards for yourself and finding it difficult to accept anything that falls short of the level you imagined.

It can show up in the following ways:

• Finding it difficult to feel satisfied
• Thinking a lot about mistakes
• Comparing yourself with others
• Putting things off
• Checking details several times
• Finding it difficult to hand over work
• Feeling very anxious about being evaluated
• Linking your self-worth to your performance

Perfectionism does not necessarily mean that everything you do actually turns out perfectly. On the contrary, it can sometimes make it harder to get started or finish things.

The difference between high ambitions and perfectionism

It is possible to set high standards without being perfectionistic.

High ambitions

Might sound like: "I want to do this as well as I can."

When something goes wrong: "That did not turn out the way I wanted. What can I learn?"

Perfectionism

Might instead sound like: "It has to be perfect."

When something goes wrong: "If I cannot do this, I am not good enough."

The difference is therefore not just in how high you set your goal. It is in what the result means to you.

Why do people become perfectionists?

There is rarely a single explanation. Perfectionistic patterns can develop through factors such as:

• High expectations
• A strongly performance-driven culture
• Fear of criticism
• Past experiences
• Comparisons with others
• A need for control
• Fear of failure
• Performance having long been an important source of validation

Sometimes perfectionism also serves as a way of trying to avoid discomfort. The thought might be: "If I do everything perfectly, no one can criticise me."

The problem is that this goal is almost impossible to achieve.

8 ways to reduce perfectionism

1. Identify the situations that bring out your perfectionism

Perfectionism does not have to show up everywhere. You might be relaxed in your personal life but extremely self-critical at work. Or vice versa.

Ask:

• When do my standards become unreasonably high?
• What am I afraid will happen if I make a mistake?
• Which situations cause me to get stuck on details?

Awareness is the first step, and it is closely linked to self-leadership.

2. Decide what is actually good enough

Before starting a task, you can define: what does this task actually need to achieve?

Not every task deserves the maximum amount of time and energy. An important client proposal may require a lot of work. An internal message probably does not need to be rewritten fifteen times.

Adjust your level of ambition to the task's actual importance.

3. Set a time limit

Perfectionism tends to expand to fill the time available.

For example, decide: "I will work on this for 90 minutes and then send it."

A time limit forces you to prioritise what actually matters.

4. Practise making small mistakes

If you always try to avoid every mistake, you never get the chance to discover that most do not have catastrophic consequences.

This does not mean you should be careless. But you can practise:

• Sending a message without reading it five times
• Leaving a minor detail that is not perfect
• Trying something new without being an expert
• Asking a question even when you are unsure

You are building your tolerance for not being in complete control.

5. Separate performance from the person

A poor presentation means: the presentation did not go the way you wanted.

It does not mean: you are a bad person.

When these two things get mixed up, every performance becomes much more emotionally charged. Practise describing the situation in concrete terms. This is connected to what self-esteem is.

6. Compare yourself less with other people's end results

You often see other people's results. You do not always see:

• Their mistakes
• Their previous attempts
• Their uncertainty
• Their support
• Their circumstances

This can easily make the comparison unfair. Instead, try comparing your current level with your own past progress.

7. Replace self-criticism with evaluation

After something has not gone well, a perfectionist might think: "I am useless at this."

Switch to: "Which part did not work, and what do I need to do differently?"

This is still critical. But the criticism is directed at something you can influence. If your thoughts get stuck in loops, you can read about how to stop overthinking.

8. Practise finishing

For perfectionists, the hardest thing can be saying: "It is done now."

So create a clear definition of done. For example:

When the main message is clear, the facts have been checked and the most important errors have been corrected, the task is finished.

Not when there is no longer a single thing on earth that could have been improved.

Perfectionism and procrastination

Perfectionism and procrastination may seem like opposites. But they are often connected.

If a task has to turn out perfectly, the barrier to getting started becomes very high. You might think:

• "I need to feel right."
• "I need more time."
• "I will start when I can do it properly."

The result is that the task gets postponed. A better goal might be: make a bad first version. You can improve something that exists. You cannot improve a blank page. Read more about how to stop procrastinating.

Perfectionism and stress

Treating every task as extremely important uses a lot of mental energy. You check, analyse, go back and worry.

This can contribute to a constant feeling of never really being finished. That is why working on perfectionism also needs to involve prioritisation and recovery. Read more about how to manage stress and which symptoms of stress are common.

Ask: which things in my life actually need to be really good — and which just need to work?

Perfectionism and self-esteem

When self-esteem becomes closely linked to performance, results can start to serve as a measure of your own worth.

Good results: "I am good enough." Poor results: "I am not good enough."

This creates a very unstable system. An important part of reducing perfectionism is therefore separating what you do from who you are. Here you can read about how to improve your self-esteem and how to strengthen your self-confidence.

Perfectionism and self-compassion

Self-compassion can provide a counterbalance to harsh self-criticism.

It does not mean: "Everything I do is fantastic."

Instead, it might be: "This did not turn out well enough. I need to improve it — but I do not need to attack myself to do that."

You can be both ambitious and respectful towards yourself. Read more about what self-compassion is and how to practise it.

A simple exercise: the 80 per cent rule

Choose a less important task. Decide in advance:

When it feels about 80 per cent as good as I could have made it with unlimited time, it is done.

Then send it or finish the task. Observe what happens. Often, the consequences are much less significant than your perfectionism predicted.

Do not use this exercise where high precision really is essential for safety or quality.

Common mistakes

Trying to become perfect at no longer being a perfectionist. That just becomes another performance project.

Lowering all your standards. The goal is not low quality. The goal is more flexible standards.

Waiting until you feel comfortable. Discomfort is often part of the practice, and tolerating it is part of mental strength.

Continuing to check after the task is finished. Decide in advance when you will stop.

Thinking that self-criticism is the same as ambition. You can want to grow without attacking yourself.

When might you need more support?

Perfectionistic traits are common. But if the standards you set for yourself cause severe stress or anxiety, or clearly limit your daily life, it may be wise to seek professional support.

Knowledge and mental training can be useful tools, but they do not replace healthcare when it is needed.

Summary

Perfectionism is not just about high ambitions. The problem arises when nothing feels good enough and mistakes start to feel like a threat to your own worth.

Start by identifying when perfectionism shows up. Define what is good enough, set time limits and practise finishing tasks even when you can see things that could have been improved.

And above all: try to separate the quality of what you do from your worth as a person. You can want to improve without needing to be perfect.